God already knows what’s going to happen with my job. God is not worried or stressed. He’s not loosing any sleep…or wringing his hands. God is not snapping or barking at any angels that come into his presence because he’s preoccupied with my future. He’s not scratching his head muttering to himself “I wonder what’s going to happen” or “what if this happens or that happens”. Not at all!
In fact…he’s resting peaceful and secure, knowing that everything is okay. Not only with me…but with my co-workers too. You see…God has a plan. He knows where exactly I’m at according to his plan.
Before I was even born…he knew the day I would die and how. He knows the number of hairs on my head…each day, each hour, each minute, and each second. He treasures each tear that falls…so much so that he stores them up in a bottle
He knew I would be conceived by a woman who would not keep me and already knew the family that would adopt me. He knew the struggles I would have and wrestle with even into my 30’s. He knew that it would be many a year before I would accept Jesus as my Savior. He knew that while I heard the gospel message from Christians…it would be the loving witness of a family that would finally touch my heart.
He knew I got a late start in that thing called faith…and I was like a babe young in my faith, but not in years. He knew that I would search for a church to call home. And I arrived home when I walked into Kindred’s Bible Study that fateful day in January 1999.
He knew that I needed a regular filling of his word, undiluted or watered down. He knew I needed to grow in my faith…to handle that which only he saw coming down the pike. He knew that my mother would be widowed times two. He knew of that fateful day…when our country would loose 2,752 of our fellow American’s. He knew that my mother’s worst fear would be imagined as Alzheimer’s reared its ugly head.
He knew the tears, profound sadness and loneliness I would struggle with at still being single. He knew that my brothers’ presence would be scarce when it came to decisions about and caring for my mom. He knew that I would pray for his hand of mercy for her to die peacefully in her sleep. And he knows exactly when he will call her home…according his plan, not my own.
He knew that my faith would grow exponentially as I witnessed an unshakeable faith lived out before me. He knew that dependence upon him and him alone was what I needed. He knows what he’s preparing me for.
He knows what will happen with my job. He knows when it will be revealed to me. He knows the work going on behind the scenes that I am oblivious to. Work by God himself…and humans…his chosen instruments. He knows my roller coaster of emotions. Up one day…and down the next. He knows that my faith is both weak and strong at the same time. He knows that for me to be truly caring and understanding for others that I would need to be in that place of uncertainty for a time.
He knew that last week…when I felt desperately alone and in need of God’s love…I would pick up the phone this week and hear the painful words from a fellow pilgrim. He knew that when I answered “I understand”…it would genuine and not just words tossed out at the right time.
He knew that I would have people and a place to turn to…not only with my prayer needs and requests…but also those of my co-workers. He knew that I would be able to testify to the faithful prayers from Kindred for those in need.
So you see…it seems rather odd to have both faith and doubt sewed into one. Sometimes wobbly and sometimes strong. Sometimes both faith and doubt within a matter of minutes. Sometimes it feels as if the faith is my head…but it has not worked its way down into my heart. Yet…yet I know that God is at work.
Kind of like the seed that has been planted…and is starting to take root…God is at work on my situation. I can’t see it from the surface just yet. But if I had the sight of God…I would see the tentacles of the roots starting to spread out and soon up from the ground up will sprout a new plant.
I keep coming back to the roller coaster analogy…it’s an apt description of the emotional highs and lows of what I and others in our company are feeling at this time.
But I can see that through this God is able to use the uncertainty and at times overwhelming emotions for good. If I wasn’t for me waiting for news about my job…like so many others…I would likely not have a tender heart toward those who are anxious and scared. Instead I might have an unsympathetic or calloused heart. But God has seen to it…that has not happened. Instead…he has me right where he needs me to soften my heart. And I pray to use me right where I’m at.
I must say…that it must hurt God’s heart when I doubt him. Imagine if you have a good reputation…a good solid unshakeable character…proven over time. You promise that you will help someone…that they just need to trust you. After all you’ve never failed them. But they doubt you…doubt your word and your ability to accomplish that which you promised. How would you feel? Ouch!
So Jesus…I’m sorry if at times my faith is weak. And I thank you that even when my faith fails me…that you are strong, that your will and plan…will be accomplished.