The Words I Long to Hear

Soon I may be facing a decision…this time one of my own choosing.

In some respects…I’m in the enviable position of not caring about what happens one way or the other. I have two job interviews coming up with good companies in the line of work that I like best. So there is a part of me that would jump at the chance of taking one of these jobs if offered a position.

Yet…I have reservations. Each job has its good points and downsides too. What I would be giving up if I left my current company is substantial…but if presented with the right offer…I might take that risk.

Things are improving overall as my current job transition progresses…but I still desire something else. I like taking on a challenge…and learning new aspects of the business. So I guess I’m a bit conflicted and uncertain as to what I should do.

At this point…I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t have a clue as to what choice I will make.

Even as I face the prospect of making a choice…I find that there are words I long to hear that would sway my decision.

Like every woman…I long to hear those words from my future husband, “I love you.” But right now…those aren’t the words I long to hear.

There are two words…just two…that I want to hear. Now I know…that’s not going to happen. But hey…I’m a girl and I can hope and dream now can’t I?

After the hoping and dreaming stops…at the end of the day…I’m going to have to make a decision. It is my prayer that God will make the path He desires for me to take crystal clear. That He will give me wisdom and discernment to make the decision He would have me to make.

Something’s Got to Give

So it’s been a while hasn’t it? Yes siree bob.

It’s not for laziness, nor lack of ideas that my blog postings have been a little on the sparse side lately. Alright, alright…alright already…downright absent if the truth be told.

Why? Well…the reasons are multifaceted. For one thing…I have zero energy these days. I call it a scary tired. When you are so tired…that you are concerned and know that it’s more than just not getting enough sleep. It feels like something is wrong. It takes every bit of energy to get through eight hours at work…when I’m use to working a lot longer than that. Normally at eight hours…I’m just starting to reeve up my engines.

If I’m a betting person…I’d guess it’s low iron again. For a while now…when I attempt to give blood with the Red Cross I get the “thanks, but no thanks” line.

Adding to the mix…I figured I’d toss in a week or so with precious little sleep. After all when I die…I will get to rest. I don’t have time now…my time is surly at a premium.

And while I’m at it…why not toss in some pour eating choices…like sweets and salty food. Water…I hear it’s highly overrated. Okay…well not really…but I’m just trying to paint a picture.

Now when you don’t get enough sleep…and aren’t eating the right foods…it’s kind of hard to wake up in the morning. When you run on a really tight schedule in the morning that leaves little room for leeway and when you don’t get up when the alarm first rings…well something’s got to give. That something would be my morning walk.

My morning walks are what gives me energy for my day. When they are absent or shortened…I’m starting a bad cycle. To tip things over the edge…I have the added factor of jaw pain as my wisdom teeth are on the move again. Good gracious…I’m forty-seven years old…when does this stuff stop?
During this time…I’ve had plenty of ideas on what to write about…but not enough energy to carry it out. Then there’s the foggy thinking that accompanies the extreme exhaustion.

So…as the week begun…I decided to make some better choices. Eating better, drinking more water, getting more sleep…eating some iron rich food…and even taking some vitamins too. My goal…by the end of the week is to be feeling better than how I felt at the beginning of the week.

With these changes…prayers from my faithful friends and God’s help…I hope to be feeling better soon.
So…what’s on the writing horizon? Well…Mike Wallace and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad…you two are on my horizon. I’m chomping at the bit to take a whack at you on paper Mike. I’m not sure that there are enough words to express how foolish you were and nothing more than a mere pawn in the hands of an evil, sick dictator.

I’d like to deal with the media and their hypocritical stance against Israel as they choose to support terrorist organizations. When you look at their words and actions…and willingness to be so easily duped, into believing lies and being used by terrorists the word anti Semitism come trippingly off my tongue.

And of course…I’m still dealing with a lot of feelings over losses. Recently loss of co-workers and job changes…but also significant anniversaries of the deaths of loved ones. I’m sure that faith and forgiveness will be factoring into these subjects.

Then there will be a labor of love…as I remember my step-father Joe’s birthday. He would have been 92 come August 25th. My sister Denise did a lovely job in remembering her Dad. From the first moment I read it…I thought it was perfect…and it made me cry.

Hope to be blogging right soon.

Tears of Profound Sadness

I know that for a while…I’ll have good days and bad days…as I still grieve the loss of so much in the past year. It seems like now the good days out number the bad. But I have an occasional hick-up…like I did this week.

It wasn’t because folks that had interviewed me for a desired job were in town…that was irrelevant for the most part.

Why I was so sad…and a trifle on the touchy side this week…had to do with an anniversary. Each year in August at work…we held an annual Loss Prevention meeting. We would invite in to the office all the LP folks for a big old meeting. It was their turn to shine and showcase what they had learned or what they were doing in their stores to make a difference for good.

Getting ready for the meeting was lot of work for everyone involved. Planning the meeting…making necessary arrangements. Coming up with just the right presentations…to make their district shine. Of course there was always a little healthy competition…that spurred on each group. I’d get to see the up and coming talent…and the people who would likely be promoted in the coming years.

It was also a really fun time. A time in which I’d finally get to meet people who had been hired over the past year. Finally put a face to a name and meet someone whom I had only known through phone calls. Or catch up with old friends. We’d say we had been around much longer than we would have ever imagined.

The following day…we’d have an outing at the beach or at a park. A day of fun for all.

Each day in my old job…I’d get calls from the LP folks that worked in the stores. Someone of them I didn’t know from meeting personally. But we instead had developed a relationship from our conversations. I’d get to know about what was going on in their life…from marriage to the birth of a child…or a death of a parent. Sometimes it involved their personal issues that necessitated a phone call needing information or forms.

While I only met these folks once or twice a year…they were people that I knew and cared about.

With the recent changes…a number of folks have changed jobs…either within the company…or moved on to other opportunities. It is my prayer and I believe that God will help them, carry them through and bring them into something better. A new place that he has especially designed for them.

I miss them so much. I miss the phones and chatting if only for a couple of minutes to find out how things are in the stores…and where they are working now.

We never got a chance to say goodbye. No meeting…or goodbye dinner where people would linger afterwards and catch up. No schmaltzy awards handed out in love. It was just over…almost like they never existed.

Right now…when I look back at some of the photos from those days…it makes me very sad indeed. Because right now there is an emptiness and hole where they use to be. I know over time…that I will grow to love and care about the people with whom I’m working with now. In fact…that has already started. But there is that hole that remains.

The new people…won’t replace them…because you can’t replace people whom you love and care about. But they will instead add richly to my life and the lives of others.

So as Friday approached…on what would have been that annual meeting…I was feeling pretty tweaked. Add to that, the phone calls that still come my way that are related to my old job. What I’d really wanted to say to them…well I’d best not go there. Oh it’s not dirty…or potty mouth stuff. But it’s bitter…and better left unsaid.

Just writing and remembering about these beloved people helps me to work through the feelings.

Back when I was overweight…which I was for the better part of my life…to varying degrees from about the age of 12 to 39 years old…I kept those feelings inside. Oh I might have been nice, polite and kind on the outside…but those feelings were expressed through overeating. Which is one reason why I was fat for so long.

(The above picture is from my days of “stuffing feelings”.)

Now I’m certain that the folks around me would rather I be fat and shut my mouth. Because these days…I do speak my mind. Normally its kind…well mostly…but very direct. And I do have moments…where I am not restrained in my come backs. I guess restraint in my old life had a price…that of being fat.

I don’t let people get away with much these days. Between my passion to speak the truth…and my desire to not keep stuffing down feelings…I say what I think. I’m sure I annoyed a couple of people in the process this past week.

I found I had writer block this week. In part because I had so many ideas and things I wanted write about, but was unable to focus. In part…I had that block because of the feelings of sadness I wasn’t letting out until now that I’m writing about it.

When I reflect on one person…I have been so annoyed and angry with during this whole process…he seems to be immovable. That only served to make me frustrated. But when thinking about him…I just wanted to cry. I think if I saw him…I would do just that. Not out of anger or bitterness…but out of relief. Relief…that even though he has been absent for a season we are still friends. I’m sure I would cry and give him a big hug to boot.

Perhaps I am deluding myself…and what I think would be tears of relief are only tears of sadness instead. Tears of profound sadness…at least for today.

Tomorrow…well I’ll take that as it comes. I better choose to trust God and his plan and his ability to bring me through as well as those whom I love. My tears and sadness are not a reflection of not trusting God or not believing him. They are just a reflection of the loss of people whom I love, care about and miss greatly.

I miss you guys…and hope you are doing well…and that God’s hand of protection is upon you, guiding and directing you. Lord bless you my friends.