Today I was reminded in abundance of a time in my life when I was walking in the darkness of depression. It was such an awful time…and something that lasted for far too long. I desire to never, ever let that kind of feeling rule my life again. That’s not to say…I’m never depressed. But in comparison to before…I’m almost walking on sunshine.

Today I was reminded of that feeling of what the pit of depression feels like and what it’s like to see people and life all around you…going on just like normal. As if they are oblivious to you and your pain and despair. A despair that seems like utter hopelessness. Only after the fact did I discovered that no…it was just for a season.

In a way…life going on around you as normal…makes the place of despair seem all the more darker. Talk about alone…you never feel more alone, small and insignificant as when you are locked in the embrace of despair…and it won’t let go. You feel like you have no voice. If you were to speak out…no one would hear you.

Thankfully it’s a thing of the past. But I see so many brothers and sisters in the body of Christ undergoing severe attack right now. Devastating blows that are almost sinking people. It can be tough to hang onto faith. But hang on we must.

That is precisely the enemy’s tactic and desire. To see us defeated and despairing. To be consumed with our problems so that we are focused on them…and not trusting God. He loves to make us feel forsaken by God.

When I see the attacks so pervasive toward the body of Christ…I am reminded that his time is growing short. He knows he’s loosing and will ultimately go down in defeat. While he may not be able to take away our salvation…or eternal rewards…he desires to make our existence so miserable here that God and eternity seem so far off that we cease caring. For Christians…our hell is here. For the unbeliever…this is as close to heaven as they will ever get. Not because Christians are better…by no means…but because we’ve received the prescribed remedy for sin…Christ Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross.

As a Christian…I’m not suppose to hate anyone…nor wish anyone to go to hell. But I have absolute liberty to tell the enemy that I hate him…with an everlasting hate. I rejoice at the thought of him being tossed into the lake of fire…for eternity. It’s a perfect match…because that is who hell was created for…our enemy…the hater of our souls. One day soon…his rein of terror and hatred will end…I look forward to that day. What a wonderful day that will be…thank you Jesus!

While there have been many days I’ve lamented the fact that I came to the Lord so late in my life (at the age of 32)…I must say there have been times recently where I have been grateful instead. Grateful because I’m keenly aware of my sinfulness and unrighteousness and that I have been saved solely by the grace of God and not by my own works. That means…my salvation is secure. I didn’t earn it, nor deserve it. It was bought and paid for by the perfect sacrifice of Jesus Christ on the cross. It’s a done deal. I’ve been bought and paid for by the blood of the lamb. My salvation can never be taken from me.

Now when I’m a bonehead…and acting in my flesh and choosing to walk according to my own will and plan…then I will have a break in my fellowship with Jesus for time. But the relationship is secure…and I will be restored when I repent and turn back to God.

There have been many a time when I was envious of those who have been Christians for as long as they can remember. Or those who had Christian parents…and raised them up in the faith…and led them to the Lord at a young age. Those who didn’t have many years of wandering in the desert…living in the sin…lost in their sin and facing eternal punishment when they died.

To have such peace…and not have to look back at your life and see some ugly scars…now wouldn’t that be lovely? Indeed!

But I must say…I may have a deeper appreciation for just how great a work my salvation is. A deeper understanding of how close I came to hell. If you stand too close to me…I dare say you may still smell the whiff of smoke from the hell fire that licked at my soul. That is until that day…16 years ago last May when I received Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.

While at times…I find the sins that people engage in are repulsive and I want to stand in judgment against them…I still remember all too well what it’s like to live and walk with a mind that is darkened to the things of God. While there is a part of my flesh that wants to take credit or brag that I’m no longer like that…there too many daily reminders that it is but there for the grace of God…there go I.

Self righteousness ought to have no place in this girl’s life…one who not too long ago escaped a destiny in hell…where Satan was looking forward to welcoming me personally.

I started to think back…on what it’s like to have that darkened mind. What were my thoughts…what was my life really like?

• Discontent…nothing made me happy…or at least not for very long. Everything soon lost its luster.
• Dissatisfied…with myself and everyone else.
• Life was just painful…and seemed to have no purpose.
• I never felt good enough…but that didn’t stop me from trying to be.
• I wanted to pretty, skinny, smart, nice, popular and have lots of friends. Be rich and be able to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.
• Unloved and unlovable.
• I always felt that if I wanted something…then I was the one that would have to “make it happen”.
• Alone…utterly alone.
• I felt like no one cared…not even my mother.
• That everyone was out for themselves.
• Nothing ever satisfied me.
• I wanted to be cool…and highly esteemed…in order to be loved.
• I tried to fill my mind with the wisdom of this world, psychology, philosophy, politics…but it was empty, vapid and missed the mark.
• I found Christians to be the most irritating people in the world…and don’t you know it…God continued to bring many of them across my path.
• I danced with the dark side of life…as I delved into the occult.
• Rejected
• When I chose to follow the ways of the world…there was still that nagging voice in the back of my head that assured me that what I was doing was wrong…a sinner. Thus…there was no enjoyment in the moment that was supposed to bring me pleasure.
• I can honestly say for many years…probably from shortly after my dad died…until my 30’s a depressed person.
• I wanted to die…even though I “didn’t believe in God”…I prayed I would die.

But praise God that He had a different plan for me. One that took my darkened mind…and shined the light of His word and brought me to a saving faith in Jesus Christ. Praise to be Jesus…I once was lost but now I’m found.

Frequently I long for, pray for and look forward to the return of my Savior in the Rapture as He comes to take home the church. But even as I pray…I am most grateful that it didn’t happen 17 years ago…otherwise I would likely have been lost in my sins and bound for hell. I’m well aware that there are untold numbers of people that if the Lord returned today…would remain lost in their sins. I pray that one day…they too will know the gratitude that I feel at coming from darkness to light…from death unto life.

Am I not grateful that the Lord is patient…and not willing that any would perish? Indeed I am…more than you know.

Since that darkness is much closer to me than those who have had a lifetime of walking with the Lord…I am passionate about the gospel message. I find I have no tolerance for churches which abdicate their responsibility before God to preach the gospel message. Those that back down from presenting the truth of God’s word…and turn a blind eye to my eternal fate if I die in my sins. All that just so they don’t have to make me feel uncomfortable and see me squirm in the pew if I’m visiting on Sunday morning.

To think that there are Pastors out there that relegate their responsibility of sharing the only life giving Gospel message to home Bible studies or fellowship groups so they can keep their message light hearted so that “seekers” will want to attend church on Sunday morning. That thought makes me want to vomit…I wonder what Jesus thinks?

“I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.” – Revelation 3:15-16

While I wasn’t in church regularly when I was lost in my sins and facing a future in hell…I was there on occasion. I wonder…would I have come to a saving faith in Christ earlier if I had been presented with the truth? That there is One God…to whom I must give an account for my sins. That I am sinner and bound for hell…but God has provided a way of escape through the atoning death of His Son Jesus Christ at Calvary. If I had heard that message…would I have been spared years spent in sin and darkness?

God tells us how beautiful are the feet of those who share the Gospel.

“And how can they preach unless they are sent? As it is written, “How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!” – Romans 10:15

What does Jesus say about those who compromise and soft sell the Gospel?

If I care more about what someone thinks of me…and more concerned that they might reject me…than I do about sharing the Gospel message with someone lost in their sins…than I’ve laid down the Gospel…for what? In doing that I care more about me than the fact they are eternally lost in hell. How might God judge me for such actions?

Will I be grieved when I stand before God as the pages of the Book of Life are opened…and see my works, after coming to Christ, have been recorded? Since that day is coming…ought I not share Gospel message with those who still need to hear it? Share it freely so that they will have the opportunity to hear and receive it?

While some Christians…including me at times…find it easy to look down upon the sinner and their sinful ways…I hope that having escaped hell’s fire not too long ago has given me a compassion I might not otherwise have.

I must ask myself…whom do I need to share the Gospel message with today?

“Then I saw a great white throne and him who was seated on it. Earth and sky fled from his presence, and there was no place for them. And I saw the dead, great and small, standing before the throne, and books were opened. Another book was opened, which is the book of life. The dead were judged according to what they had done as recorded in the books. The sea gave up the dead that were in it, and death and Hades gave up the dead that were in them, and each person was judged according to what he had done. Then death and Hades were thrown into the lake of fire. The lake of fire is the second death. If anyone’s name was not found written in the book of life, he was thrown into the lake of fire.” – Revelation 20:11-15

“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” – 1 Peter 4:8

“He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.” Proverb 17:9

At what point does a prayer request, a request for a genuine hurt or need, become gossip or slander?

At what point do my righteous acts become pride and self righteousness?

“Now we know that whatever the law says, it says to those who are under the law, so that every mouth may be silenced and the whole world held accountable to God. Therefore no one will be declared righteous in his sight by observing the law; rather, through the law we become conscious of sin”. – Romans 3:9-20

How did Jesus treat sinners? Did He call them out publicly or confront them personally and in private? Or was Jesus public confrontation reserved for the self righteous religious person?

Am I more likely to restore a relationship after an offense if I’ve maintained and protected their privacy or if I shared the offense with others?

“But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.” – James 3:17-18

Is my goal to humiliate because I’ve been hurt?

Have I ever committed sins, which I later regretted and repented from? How would I have been effected if those sins had been made widely known?

“Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.” – James 3:5

Do I forget that there is no good thing in me that caused or motivated God to save me? That it is by His power alone that I stand? That the scripture verse “There is no one righteous, no not one!” includes me…I am not righteous! I can stand before the throne of God only because of Jesus sacrifice and His cleansing blood making me pure. I am a sinner saved by grace alone, by faith alone. And God gave me the faith to boot. I am clothed in Jesus righteousness, not my own.

Am I mindful that there was a day when I too was lost in my sin? I have no place for bragging or being prideful that I am not engaging in sin like they are. That it is purely by the grace of God, His power at work in me that keeps me from living a sinful life style. Have I forgotten that? If so…I need to be careful, lest I fall!

“So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!” 1 Corinthians 10:12

Have I forgotten that God hates pride? That pride goes before a stumble? What seems like justification…may instead appear as prideful self righteousness.

“Where, then, is boasting? It is excluded. On what principle? On that of observing the law? No, but on that of faith. For we maintain that a man is justified by faith apart from observing the law.” – Romans 3:27-28

Do I see the sin…but fail to see the person?

“Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor?” – James 4:10-12

Do I care more about the offense than the fact that the person standing before me is lost in their sin and condemned to hell…for eternity? Eternity…not 10 years or 20 or 50 or life in prison…but their punishment will never, ever stop. The offense may seem unforgivable…but in actuality it may just be inexcusable. Why? Because Jesus died so that all our sins might be forgiven. He died for all…but not all will receive His sacrifice.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. – 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Do I care more about crying in my pain than crying out to my Lord Jesus….beseeching Him for His love, mercy and grace to be poured out in abundance upon this person who has wounded me or caused me great harm?

Am I willfully obtuse to the fact that my words have the ability to humiliate a person…and make known their transgressions?

Just as I can’t un-ring a bell…I can’t take back words that I’ve spoken or declared.

Do I take comfort in being the “victim”, the “one who was wronged” so I don’t have to look at and confront my actions which contributed to my situation?

Or do I feel like…while I may not be perfect and yes have even sinned…but what he is doing is much worse than me?

Am I loving? Do I love the unlovable…the sinner…the one who sins against me? Do I, in love, cover their sins rather than expose them?

Is my pride, arrogance and self righteousness an offense? An effective tool in the hands of Satan to keep the unbelievers in my life from coming to Christ?

Instead of asking “What would Jesus do?”, I would be better served to examine “What DID Jesus do?”…and go and do likewise.

Romans 3:9-12
What shall we conclude then? Are we any better? Not at all! We have already made the charge that Jews and Gentiles alike are all under sin. As it is written:

“There is no one righteous, not even one;

there is no one who understands,
no one who seeks God.

All have turned away,
they have together become worthless;

there is no one who does good,
not even one.”

“Forgiveness is the oil of relationships.” Chuck Obremski

Cover: to guard, protect, to hide from sight or knowledge, conceal a scandal, to conceal something illicit, blameworthy, or embarrassing from notice.