And what a week it was! I feel as though I’ve been everywhere on the map with my emotions and faith this week.
I started out the week strong. Strong in my faith, believing that God had given me his assurance that he was handling my problems…and I merely needed to stand firm and see the deliverance of the Lord. He had impressed upon me 2 Chronicles 20:17. I had even personalized it and hung it on my bathroom mirror and at work.
“Susan, you will not have to fight this battle. Take up your position; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, Susan. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you Susan.’”
Not that I would necessarily have the answer to my prayer…this week…but I had the assurance that it was in God’s hands, his battle…and that he would work it out in his perfect timing. Work all things together for good…for I do love the Lord.
I had the strong prayer support of my church family…so how could it go wrong?
Well…I’m not sure I even have the exact answer to that…even as I look back. I think it has something to do with that doubt factor creeping in. And perhaps a little dose of looking at my outward circumstances…instead of trusting that God was working on it…even though the outcome was not yet visible to me.
Then of course…how could I leave out feeling desperate…and being quite certain that if the circumstances were going to work out…I’d better take action. To seal doubt firmly in my mind…feeling lonely and forgotten…took doubt across the goal line. Score one for Satan…and I’m the looser. Really…what a nincompoop I am! Golly gosh gee wiz…will I ever learn this side of heaven? Never mind…please don’t answer that one.
Well any way…with my former co-workers all out of town going through orientation in their new jobs…I was more anxious than ever to have news as to whether I would get the job I recently interviewed for. But God still had me in his waiting room.
There’s nothing like feeling abandoned and let down to make you feel sorry for yourself. You ever been there? I think that day was Tuesday…and it was a really down day. But thankfully each day is a new day…and suddenly I felt like I had a peace once again about the whole situation.
Through this time of waiting…about two months now…I’ve been trying to interpret what God message is to me. Is he sending up red flags…and saying “Yo, Susan…don’t go down that path”? Or is it Satan trying to discourage me and defeat me so I wouldn’t want this job? Perhaps it God trying to help grow my faith…and help me to rely upon and trust him…and look to him alone to be my deliverer. Is it God putting me in difficult circumstances so I would have a more tender heart towards others who are hurting?
I don’t rightly know the answer to any of those questions. All I know is that right now…as that as Nancy told me, “Susan, you are in God’s waiting room.” He and he alone knows the reason and purpose behind the wait.
A trip to mid-week Bible study helped to steady my faith. As did a chat with Jun…a fellow Christian…who always brings me back to God’s word and his infinite power. When I got home Wednesday night…I received a call from someone to edit/proof their resume. Glad to be of assistance…to help someone else also facing difficult circumstances.
I felt like God had pulled back the veil…if only for brief moment on what he might be doing in this time. Now today…I have entirely different thoughts. (So is that a girl thing…or a wobbly faith thing or what?) But I still have that peace. My circumstances have not yet changed. I will likely not know the outcome of my job situation for a few more weeks. But I also know that God could change the situation tomorrow…he’s not working on my time or anyone else’s. But I do have peace.
The changes kept coming this week…with much beloved, long term co-workers moving on. In part…my heart is breaking. These are people whom I love and have worked with and known for a number of years now. I have no doubt, no doubt at all, that God will bring them through this, work in their lives and bring them right where he has planned. But I’m selfish…and don’t want to loose them. They are precious to me indeed.
In the mean time…I am starting in another position…for the time being. I am most grateful to have a job. But I look forward to the day…when I get to return to Loss Prevention. I think that only folks that have worked in that area…know exactly what I mean. I’ve been bitten by the LP bug. Whether it’s my current company…or an opportunity that arises elsewhere I look forward to that day.
In the mean time…I’m already encountering some difficulties as I change jobs. A visit to Debra’s website As I See It Now…gave me some insight in how I might approach a difficult situation in her piece called “Clarifying Just a Tad”. I’ve been down this path before…and I’ve learned that when I encounter difficult people…or people that are hurting…my best option is to pray for them. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying that “hurt people, hurt people”. I don’t always know how to react to them. Sometimes I feel angry or hurt or defensive in response to their actions or words. But I can’t afford to go down that road.
But Debra shared some insights that I want to carry away and use in my situation. One…I need to empty myself of me. A full vessel can not be filled. But when I empty myself…I make room for the Holy Spirit to enter in. He alone knows what this person needs…not me. I need to get out to of the way, pray for them…and trust God to work in their life and help them in their difficult and challenging circumstance.
All these changes are big…and widespread…and effecting many. God is definitely at work. But it will take time to see exactly what he’s doing.
I do hope to receive the crown of righteousness when I get to heaven. I also think…I might get the crown of waiting…or is that patience? But I’m quite certain…that I’ll have to wait to get it…but hopefully by then…I’m be a wee bit better at this waiting thing. After all…my flesh will have died.
If nothing else…this waiting time has helped me to clarify what I want and why…and that is a good thing. Remember the story about the woman who begged at Jesus feet to have her daughter delivered from demons. When Jesus initially said no, she remained quite persistent. How did Jesus respond? He responded by answering her request and healed her daughter. May I too have that persistent and trusting faith. Knowing, that not only is my God able…but assured that he will handle my difficulties.
So…at times strong…at times weak and wobbly…this girl still waits. Waits to see what the outcome of her job search will be. Now I pray that I will demonstrate a more solid faith during this time…and that I will look to the Lord alone to answer and solve my problems. He alone is my deliverer…in him will I trust.
Thank you Jesus for carrying me through this week.